It’s me, from a good day

Hey girl, heyyyyyy,

I see you’re feeling pretty good again. You’re sassy, fierce, funny, and feeling like yourself for the first time in a week. Your struggle with depression seems like a thing in the past. Those few dark moments when you wanted to end it all are locked away inside your mind in a desperate attempt to pretend those feelings don’t exist.

But hey, babe. They are still there. Even though the “Dark Place”, as you like to call it, seems far away, you have to know it will come back. And this letter is for that time.
I hope you remember to read it. I hope you remember how much you matter to yourself. I know you struggle believing others when they say you matter. But, I hope you trust yourself enough to read this and believe it.

Dear me,
If you’re reading this you are being choked by the darkness again. I’m so sorry. I wish I could make it go away. You are feeling insurmountable levels of emotional and mental anguish that are making you feel crazy. You aren’t crazy, you are overwhelmed. Your mind is playing tricks on you and doing it’s damnedest to make you believe it would feel so good to end your life.
It won’t. You will miss life.
Let me remind you what you love about life:

You love calling flowers your friends, and are always quick to rescue them from a sudden death, saying you can give them love at home in their last days.
You love giving your coworker, Steve, a hard time at work. You know something is wrong if you aren’t verbally beating the crap out of each other.
You love your twisted sense of humor, being snarky, being stupid and making people laugh. You like making yourself laugh most of all.
You love a cold beer in the shower after a long day.
You love creating, building, designing and figuring out how to making something out of nothing.
You love when you’re staying over at your nieces’ house and you hear little feet coming down the stairs and you pretend to be asleep until you hear “is it too early, Aunt Viva?” And you say, “of course not, let’s snuggle”
You love that those early mornings rarely consists of snuggling, instead they contain many bony elbows, bad breath and whispered giggles.
You love smiling at strangers and complimenting them when their hair, outfit, shoes, etc are on point.
You love videos of baby goats.
You love writing out your thoughts and discovering new things about yourself.
You love playing the piano and singing.
You love tattoos, blueberries with honey and milk, coffee first thing in the morning, Chris Cuomo, Love Actually, The Scarlett Letter and watching scandalous and dramatic TV shows.
You love Christmas more than anything. More than the Elf loves Christmas.
When you actually make it to the gym you love it and wonder why you don’t go more often.
You love sunshine and the beach. You love rainy days and thunderstorms.
You love hugs from people you trust.
You delight in simple pleasures.
And the list can go on and on.

When you are vibrant, when you are full of life, when you can be happy despite what’s going on around you, that is the real YOU, my love.
The light will come back on in your eyes. It will.

That is the you that you need to hold on to right now.
You cannot be defined by what other people think of you, how they treat you, or your perception of how much you mean to them.
Your depression is fickle and hits when you least expect it. It convinces you that you don’t matter.
Please matter to yourself. That’s what will pull you out of this. Not friends or family, because when you are in this deep you don’t believe them.
This is me, writing to you from a very good day. This is me, five days after feeling the powerful and overwhelming pull to kill myself, more powerful than it ever has before.
This is you. This is you on the other side of it.
You would miss all of this.
So breath through this pain. The other side is worth it.

You matter to you.

Live, babe. Live.

With Love,

Me, from a good day. IMG_4552

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