Love Myself More

it’s been three days since i was assaulted by the one person i loved more than anyone i’ve ever loved before.
three days since i realized i do have a line, and that line is physical abuse. i didn’t have that line when it was emotional abuse and manipulation. i didn’t have that line through all the trauma and ups and downs of the last four years.
when the person who is supposed to love you more than anything chooses to terrorize you it is the most devastating betrayal. even more so when they immediately tell you that you overreacted.
i have never felt such raw, visceral emotional pain. i have to cut him out of my life completely because i love myself more.
i have to have enough respect for myself and my mental stability to cut myself loose. it is the hardest, most heartbreaking process.
it’s a mind-fuck to walk away from someone you care about so much. i want him to be happy and healthy, and he believes he needs me to be both of those things. i believed that for a long time too. and since i put his happiness and health before mine for so long, it’s extremely difficult to deny him of what he thinks he wants and needs. me.
it’s almost impossible to not respond to the deck of cards he’s playing to get a response from me.
i have to say “no, you can’t have me. you don’t deserve even my friendship. i don’t stay friends with people who abuse me”. i have to believe that because i love myself more.
yet he has so many excuses for why it isn’t abuse. and sometimes i let those get to me. my mind and heart are at war fighting for reality and truth.
and even though i scream into my pillow for hours on end. even though i sob guttural, heart-wrenching cries from the depths of my soul. even though the memories make me dry heave. even though i am depressed. even though i want to stay in bed for days. i have a little glimmer of hope.
i don’t want to end it all. i want to see what’s out there. i want to believe there’s more for me. i deserve more.
because i love myself more.


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