When my husband and I first separated I was determined to go about it as healthy as possible. I wanted to fix the problems I brought to the relationship. I wanted to make sure they wouldn’t follow me throughout life. I even thought maybe if I fixed myself, and he fixed himself we could come back together and have a new, better relationship.
I wanted to stop being co-dependent, I wanted to find what made ME happy, I wanted to stop putting every other fucking thing ahead of my own self.
So in the beginning I journaled and I did some soul searching, but then I just stopped.
And I have to accept that it’s okay to not constantly be working on myself. I always go into these things full throttle, excited and hopeful to become the best person I can possibly be.
“But it’s not always rainbows and butterflies, it’s compromise that leads us along…”
There’s some ugly, fucked up shit inside us all that needs to be dragged out of hiding. We HAVE to be honest with ourselves. We have to face what makes us do the things we do.
I am not okay.
But are any of us, really?
I have been through a lot. I have endured three years of grief and trauma and betrayal that have never been addressed. I have completely shoved myself aside for every other person in my life. I don’t know how to stand up for myself. I harbor resentment and thoughts and feelings that never get expressed.
And now I’ve gotten to a place again where I’ve let everything distract me from what I really need to do, and that is to determine what is best for me and my heart.
Is it okay to rely on something for comfort that has the potential to hurt you deeply? Is it okay to open up your heart to something that still eats away at you inside? Is it okay to ignore instincts for the sake of “it feels good right now” and I deserve to feel good?
I don’t know any of these answers. I only know that I’m in turmoil again. I’m not okay. I have to work on me. I have to dig out all the ugly. I have to rely on myself. I can’t be solely dependent on someone else to do this for me.
And so, this is where I take a break. This is where I say goodbye to social media for a little bit.
And as much as it rips at my heart, this is where I take a break from the one person that holds the potential to hurt me the most right now.
Because maybe it isn’t brave to let my fear of being hurt take over, but it’s what I have to do right now.
Because I have to know that I can do this. I have to know that I have the strength to dig out of myself what I need to learn, without letting outside influences distract me.