How?

I’m trying want to try to find motivation again perhaps for the first time in my life.  I need motivation to better my life because I can’t keep sitting back waiting for my life to get better.

How long do I give myself a “safe space” to be sad and grieve? Where’s the balance between healing and playing victim? Am I just continually finding ways to feel sorry for myself? I want to feel happiness more often. I want love and family. I want a full life with social events, and traditions and friends to do with them.
I have no roots from moving so many times.

I feel so many things: despondent, listless, tired, with no dreams or goals.
Sometimes it hurts to breathe. Sometimes it hurts to live.

I struggle finding the point in all the struggle. I’m starting to hate my job. I hate my life. I hate that my family turned out the way they did. I hate being sad and depressed all the time. I know some of it is the holidays. It’s not the best time of the year for someone already struggling with divorce, depression and anxiety, not to mention removing numerous toxic family relationships from my life this year.

My house is too quiet. I decorated for Christmas anyway. I hung two stockings because one is too depressing to look at.

How do I find a desire to do more for myself? How do I do better and be better? How do I value you myself enough to rise above all this when all I want to do is stay home in bed and cry?

How do I start over?

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