The Pain Shines Out My Eyes

Do you ever find yourself suddenly aware of how little you know yourself?
I don’t just mean taking the time to be introspective and self aware.
I mean this shocking realization, this dangling in mid-air feeling, where you don’t know how you’ve gotten this far in life being the person you’re supposed to be.
There is a moment where I feel outside my body, looking at a shell of a human who is only made up of little bits and pieces of memories.
I look at her and think, “Is this you? Is this the body you inhabit? Who’s life are you living?”

It’s happening more and more lately.

I can’t help but wonder if it’s because I feel like I’m doing all the wrong things. I’m adjusting and surviving in a world that demands I be tougher, more perfect, and less of me. It’s a world where you can not expect anything of a person, while they expect you to be there.
I’ve shoved the person I wanted to be aside because she can’t exist.
There is no room in my world for hopelessly happy, for dreamers, for wistfulness.

The wanting.
The emptiness.
The hopelessness.
It all leads to a place I do not want to be again.

The striving.
The perfection around me.
The inevitable rejection of being cast aside for something better.
It leads to a place I don’t want to be again.

I go numb.

I go to bed at night with every thought and feeling of the day’s pain coursing through my body and mind and I chant “it doesn’t matter” until I’ve soothed myself into a restless stupor.

It does matter. It does matter. It does matter.

Whatever I’m feeling, that’s a hint that something isn’t right. But instead of acknowledging it and removing it, I tell myself that I’m not right. I am the problem. I am not enough. And I believe it.

I was this person before and I don’t want to be her ever again.

But in a world that demands otherwise how can I stay soft and loving but at the same time put myself first? How do I do this without hardening my heart?

At night when the world is still and I’m alone in my room with the wind softly blowing my curtains, I allow the pain to shine out my eyes.

Not in the form of tears, but a release of the sadness I have hidden from the world, and even those closest to me.
It does matter.
The pain shines out my eyes.

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