Do you ever find yourself suddenly aware of how little you know yourself?
I don’t just mean taking the time to be introspective and self aware.
I mean this shocking realization, this dangling in mid-air feeling, where you don’t know how you’ve gotten this far in life being the person you’re supposed to be.
There is a moment where I feel outside my body, looking at a shell of a human who is only made up of little bits and pieces of memories.
I look at her and think, “Is this you? Is this the body you inhabit? Who’s life are you living?”
It’s happening more and more lately.
I can’t help but wonder if it’s because I feel like I’m doing all the wrong things. I’m adjusting and surviving in a world that demands I be tougher, more perfect, and less of me. It’s a world where you can not expect anything of a person, while they expect you to be there.
I’ve shoved the person I wanted to be aside because she can’t exist.
There is no room in my world for hopelessly happy, for dreamers, for wistfulness.
It all leads to a place I do not want to be again.
The perfection around me.
The inevitable rejection of being cast aside for something better.
It leads to a place I don’t want to be again.
I go numb.
I go to bed at night with every thought and feeling of the day’s pain coursing through my body and mind and I chant “it doesn’t matter” until I’ve soothed myself into a restless stupor.
It does matter. It does matter. It does matter.
Whatever I’m feeling, that’s a hint that something isn’t right. But instead of acknowledging it and removing it, I tell myself that I’m not right. I am the problem. I am not enough. And I believe it.
I was this person before and I don’t want to be her ever again.
But in a world that demands otherwise how can I stay soft and loving but at the same time put myself first? How do I do this without hardening my heart?
At night when the world is still and I’m alone in my room with the wind softly blowing my curtains, I allow the pain to shine out my eyes.
Not in the form of tears, but a release of the sadness I have hidden from the world, and even those closest to me.
It does matter.
The pain shines out my eyes.