i wish i had a mother

I wish I had a mother.

I wish I had a mother who I called to tell exciting things, scary things, sad things, mundane things.

I wish I had a mother who listened to me without making it about her.

I wish I had a mother who I could confide in and know that my secrets were safe with her.

I wish I had a mother who didn’t rush to tell others what I had told her wrapped up in the ugly guise of a prayer request.

I wish I had a mother who genuinely asks how I’m doing instead of checking to see if she still has access to me.

I wish I had a mother, who, when I almost died, didn’t show up to the hospital to talk about how sick and tired SHE was.

I wish I had a mother who out of desperation to be loved and accepted didn’t conveniently forget how terribly absent she was in my formative years.

I wish I had a mother who is safe, kind, self-aware, and loves unconditionally.

I wish I had a mother who respected my boundaries.

I wish I had a mother who hadn’t raised me to not need her.

I wish I had a mother who put in the work to have a relationship with me now instead of trying to force it just because she birthed me.

I wish I had a mother who would come climb in bed with me and hold me when I’m sad.

I wish I had a mother who understood that just because I live alone doesn’t mean I’m miserable.

I wish I had a mother who had put love for her children above the love for her religion.

I wish I knew what it was like to have a mother’s love that wasn’t narcissistic and self serving.

I wish I had a mother.

I wish I didn’t need a mother.